Pedophile Relieved, Disappointed
to Discover Kristen Stewart Is Already 20



by Charles Kim
Post Los Angeles Reporter
July 2, 2010

Ernie Hallowitz, convicted sex offender and devout “Twilight” fan, announced that he had mixed feelings upon finding out that Kristen Stewart is already 20 years old.
“I’m really quite ambivalent,” said Hallowitz from the front yard of the duplex he owns.
Five feet away, a Megan’s Law sign adorned the lawn.
Fifteen feet away, a “for rent” sign had faded in the other apartment’s window from years’ of sunlight.
“I mean, I guess it’s good I feel this way about a grown woman, or whatever,” said Hallowitz, “but I’ll admit, a lot of the allure is gone.”
He said he first noticed Stewart’s “talents” as the daughter in David Fincher’s “Panic Room.”
Hallowitz was also impressed with “how she filled out her sweater” in “Zarthura.”
“My prayers were answered when Stewart was cast as Bella in ‘Twilight,’” he said.
Apparently, Hallowitz considers himself something of a vampire oficionado.
“There’s just something about a wicked immortal sucking the essence out of an innocent…” he trailed off for a few seconds. “What were we talking about?”
Hallowitz said he regrets no longer being able to believe that Stewart is still in high school.
“It’s a magical age, filled with vitality, new experiences and inevitable corruption,” he explained.
Hallowitz said he hadn’t been this disappointed since the Olsen Twins turned 18.
“I don’t even want to see the rest of the ‘Twilight’ saga,” he said.
Hallowitz said he’s on a quest to find some new favorite young actors.
“I’ll just flip on the CW tonight,” he said.


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