'Chrone' Is a Snivelling Manchild
Post White House Correspondent
My entire adult life has been a lie.
The past 20 years I've raised a wonderful daughter by myself believing that her father had suffered some tragic end.
Now I know that her father was a pervert who traveled 20 years back in time to take advantage of me when I was just 17.
On that fateful day in 1986, I cheated on my boyfriend with our substitute chemistry teacher.
What I didn't know was that they were one in the same person.
Chrone- alright, I'm NOT going to call him that.
His name is Perry Elizabeth and, yes, I think he got beaten up a lot in grade-school.
Anyway, Perry was my boyfiend senior year and had been pressuring me to have sex.
I had decided I was ready to lose my virginity, but had come to the conclusion that Perry wasn't mature enough for me.
He still played Atari everyday and thought Miami Vice was the greatest show ever.
I'd had a crush on Mr. Parker from the first day he started subbing.
He reminded me a lot of Perry, but so much more mature.
Now I know- he wasn't any more mature.
What state of arrested development does a grown man have to be in to still fixate on a girl who wouldn't sleep with him 20 freakin' years ago?
If he didn't have a time machine, would he have molested a modern-day teenager?
Is he molesting girls all over the timeline?
We may never know.
When the 38-year-old Perry caught me smoking behind the multi-purpose room it startled the Hell out of me.
I had cut class because I couldn't stop crying over the astronauts.
Their deaths were so senseless.
I wanted to feel anything other than the ball of dread in my stomach.
So when Mr. Par- Perry, put his hand on my shoulder and gave me that look I thought, "Why not? Now's as good a time as any."
That being said, I have no reason to believe that I slept with the original Mr. Parker.
I don't even know if there was an original Mr. Parker.
If so, where did he go?
How do we know that Perry didn't just travel back to stalk me on a whim?
Maybe there was no sub.
Maybe he even caused the accident that put Mrs. Wermor, our chemistry teacher, in a coma in the first place.
Even by Perry's own account, the original Mr. Parker didn't "finish," but that didn't stop Perry from impregnating an underage girl.
I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything.
She is the light of my life.
But do you know how hard it is raising a daughter alone, especially when you're trying to be a career journalist?
Not only did I have to tell my parents I was pregnant, but I had to tell them it was from the teacher who mysteriously disappeared.
I didn't know if Mr. Parker was killed, or abducted by aliens or what.
My father was convinced that the guy was afraid of getting arrested for statutory rape and took off, so he conducted a manhunt of his own.
It was fruitless, of course, but he claims to have beaten a man in an Arizona
state highway rest-stop to within an inch of his life.Poor Daddy.
Part of me even considered sleeping with young Perry and telling him it was his.
That would have been poetic justice.
So, instead, I'll have to settle for this lawsuit against two defendants who will probably never show, thus awarding me and my daughter, by default, the millions we deserve.
