Is P.F. Jones?

Drunks, Stoners
See 'Spaceships'
We put a cerebral stenography chip in the head of Zelda, a pug belonging to one of our veteran reporters, Conner Banks, without telling him, to give our readers the cutest content ever.

ZELDA Saw Men Fly
Over the SITY









today was great!
ZELDA went to the VET.
VET gave me chees and pinched my skin while i ate it.
VET thinks ZELDA don't know, but ZELDA really don't care so long as she gives me CHEES.
MOMMY dropped ZELDA off at the VET but DADDY picked me up.
ZELDA never sees MOMMY and DADDY at the same time any more.
DADDY kept ZELDA in the CAGE instead of letting me jump around the RIDE.
before DADDY took ZELDA HOME, we stopped to see his FREND RODNEY in the SITY.
any time DADDY sees RODNEY they eat green FOOD with FIRE that makes smoke come out of their mouths.
and they never share.
DADDY lets ZELDA run around RODNEYs HOME.
DADDY and RODNEY were giggling and ignoring ZELDA, so ZELDA went exploring.
RODNEYs window opened up to a metal room in the sky!
ZELDA walked out and could see the whole SITY below!
people looked like CRUMS, or those things that crawl around at PIKNIKS.
gi looked up and saw two men running on top of the buildings.
they jumped and flew like the NEIGHBORS CAT.
they pointed TOYS at each other and crashed into all sorts of stuff.
they were having so much FUN!
the men started to run out of view, so ZELDA went up the metal STAIRS to see more.
at first ZELDA was scared because you could see down to the ground though the STAIRS.
when ZELDA got up to the top, ZELDA could see everything!
ZELDA was on top of the SITY!
ZELDA saw the two men running, but now they were right by each other.
the light guy jumped on the dark man and they both fell!
just then the air changed-
everything got cold and windy.
the metal STAIRS by ZELDA were shaking.
ZELDA realized that all the STAIRS on all the buildings in the SITY were shaking faster and faster.
it made a weird noise that hurt ZELDAS ears.
ZELDA looked back at the two men, but now they were a BALL of light.
they were brighter than the LAMP DADDY holds ZELDAS glowy BALL up to.
they got so bright it hurt ZELDAS eyes.
ZELDA looked away but the sound was pushing down on ZELDAS entire body.
ZELDA thought something bad was going to happen.
then there was a huge BOOM!
the men flew far apart.
the light man broke a brick wall.
the dark man broke some windows.
then he got in a shiney BOTTLE that flew away like bumble bees!
ZELDA wished DADDY could have seen it.

by Cindy Stopher
Post Manhattan Reporter
Police responded to hundreds of calls reporting "flying objects" over the west side of Manhattan Saturday night.
Most of those people were drunk, stoned or insane, in this reporter's opinion.
I wasted a perfectly good clubbing night talking to losers who think they saw spaceships over New York.
"I was looking for my friend's dog on the fire escape," said Rodney Smith, a "self-employed" loser in need of a shirt and a Tic-Tac, "when the sky exploded. It was heavy."
"Then these two spaceships warped out," Smith continued while stroking his chest hair. "It was the best night I've had in a while."
Others had more creative explanations.
"I'm telling you, it was a fucking dustbuster," said community organizer Vinnie Giovanni, "just 30 feet long and made of gold. And there was a silver dildo-thing, too."
So many people complained about hearing an explosion that the FBI was called in to investigate a possible terrorist attack, but of course there was none, so they just wasted thousands of tax-payer dollars on the word of idiots.
No official explanation has been offered thus far, and there won't be one, unless it's discovered that the local residents all have lead in their tapwater.

Hunting a Timekiller
by Chrone Osphere
Correspondent in Time

P.F. Jones ran leaping rooftop-to-rooftop, and I trailed a short distance behind.
Lemmie backup...
I had come to what you would consider "modern-day" New York to investigate the disappearance of a physicist who had worked for G.E. when Jones bought it.
Dr. Russell Peterman hadn't just vanished from "now" (as you linears know it), but from history completely.
If I hadn't erased him -and I was fairly certain that I hadn't- then Jones must have.
read whole column


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