DADDY and ZELDA's new HOME doesn't like ZELDA!
it's mean to ZELDA!
the walls make noise that ZELDA never used to hear in MOMMY's HOME.
whenever DADDY uses the hotbox on the KITCHEN counter, ZELDA's head hurts and i smell toast burning, but there's never any toast to eat.
DADDY's TOYS are mean to ZELDA, too.
whenever DADDY picks up his talky stone, ZELDA goes POTTY.
ZELDA can't help it!
DADDY's magic window is rude, too.
if DADDY is tapping it, or staring into the glow while he plays alone, the magic window makes a noise that drives ZELDA crazy!
ZELDA runs and runs but it doesn't stop.
ZELDA found that the only thing that helps is jumping in the BATH.
ZELDA hates the BATH, but it's okay when there's no wa-wa.
it's quiet in there, but what's ZELDA going to do?
ZELDA can't stay in the BATH forever.

What the Fuck
Is Wrong with
My Dog?
by Conner Banks

I think my dog Zelda is having a hard time adjusting to the new apartment.
I recently divorced and had to move to a shithole in Brooklyn.
It's bad enough that I can touch one wall with my toe and the opposite wall with my finger.
Or that the cockroaches were grandfathered in with the lease.
But lately my pug's been acting like a war vet with shell shock.
Every time I use the microwave she screams like a Banshee.
Every time I get a cell call she pisses the rug.
And every time I open my laptop she runs in circles and jumps in the cast-iron tub.
What the fuck?
Is divorce supposed to be that hard on a dog?
Dammit, Zelda!
I gotta go clean the rug.

Is P.F. Jones?






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