Can Someone
Not Handle
His Liquor?

by Conner Banks
Post Manhattan Reporter
December 27, 2010

Once again, the Post Manhattan has made it through another Christmas safely while keeping you, the reader, as informed as possible.
Furthermore, we celebrated with our annual newsroom Christma- er, Holiday Party and, I must say, it was a good one.
Like- crazy good.
Best ever.
For reals.
That being said, I would greatly appreciate it if whoever has my slacks would return them.
After I awoke in the copy room, I noticed they were gone and looked everywhere for them.
I know someone took them.
Yes, it's my fault for having lost track of them in the first place.
I'll give you that.
And sure, it's funny-
"Let's take the boss's pants!"
I get it.
But the time for jokes is over.
I need them back.
Particularly the wallet and keys in them.
I had enough cabfare in my desk to get me home, but couldn't unlock the door when I got there.
I called up to my wife to open the door, but when she looked down and saw me without pants she started yelling.
I tried telling her I got mugged, but she wasn't buying it.
And she wouldn't open the door.
So I had to walk back to the office.
Fernando, the security guard, made me do demeaning things to get back into the building.
I finished a bottle of Jones and slept all of Sunday in my office.
Conner, I think your secretary was there.
I know she was, she-
Look, I just know she was there.
Ask her.
Thank you.
Ha ha, hey Harvey-
Remember all those times I tried to tell you that my secretary, Cindy, had promoted herself to reporter?
Remember me saying she was stealing my stories and putting her name on them?
Remember drunkenly telling me to take it up with human resources?
Remember me telling you she had stolen my credit card?
Well who's card does she have now?
If you think you're in trouble now, wait 'til your wife opens next month's Visa statement.
I'm sure she'll understand the $100s spent at Victoria's Secret.
She might even see some hotel room charges.
(Cindy has been going out for nooners with Fernando lately.)
You really shouldn't let her get away with this.
I'd take it up with human resources if I were you.
By the way-
Great Party!

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