Global Terror Alert!
'RoboNinja' Movie Promotion Goes Awry

Is P.F. Jones?




by Ryan Church
Post London Reporter
February 13, 2007

Gemstone Pictures, a Post sister-company, wreaked havoc around the world Friday as promotional "robots" placed publicly in 32 cities on five continents created the greatest terrorism hoax in history.
The four-foot tall displays, meant to represent Kitana- a character in next Summer’s feature film “RoboNinja” starring Tom Cruise, were placed in public plazas, malls and transit stations around 21 cities in the U.S. alone.
All robots were equipped with air-raid sirens and bullhorns, which all simultaneously went off at 11:11 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.
First the sirens blared for thirty straight seconds, then the bullhorns spoke.
In New York, terrified spectators heard the robots say, “Death to Americans.”
In London, “Death to the English.”
The messages continued every half-hour afterward, until local or federal bomb squads had deactivated the machines.
“RoboNinja” is based in the distant future when alien robots invade earth and only a half man, half-cybernetic ninja can stop them from exterminating the human race.
Cruise, who will not only star and perform his own stunts, but also is co-writing and co-producing (and is rumored to have suggested the promotion), couldn’t be reached for comment.
The PR campaign was implemented by Malleable Perceptions, another Post sister-company.
I had a chance to speak with MP senior partner and “RoboNinja” project coordinator Richard Clamp.

I almost don’t know where to begin.
Well, we must have done a great job, then.

You claim this was done to promote “RoboNinja,” a film coming out next year. I guess my first question is, why advertise 17 months before the release when the movie’s still in pre-production?
Uh, uh- we don’t advertise here. We were creating a public awareness campaign. You know, establishing a relationship with potential viewers- creating a “buzz.”
(he actually made the quotation marks with his fingers)
We start this early because we can. This is going to be a HUGE film and we want people to know. Also, most of these epic adventure films are based on some previous medium, like a novel, or comic book or TV series. This gives us time to create all of those a year before the release. I already have a graphic novel deal and a late-night cartoon on Velocity TV, and the best part is RoboNinja will already look like Cruise. So will the action figures.
Anyway, all of these things make money on their own. Only MP’s fees come out of the film’s $300 million budget.

What about the $84 million settlement Jones Media Group is having to pay out internationally for fines, emergency service fees and punitive damages to Paris, Tokyo and thirty other cities?
Oh, that’s a write-off. Besides, this has given us more publicity than we could have ever hoped.

Bad publicity.
No such thing.

What about what the robots said? Why did ours say, “Death to Americans,” instead of, “Death to Humans”?
Well these alien robots are smart. They’re real smart, you see. They know what country they’re in.

Isn’t it?

This isn’t the first time Malleable Perceptions has created controversy with one of its ad- er, awareness campaigns. You got into similar trouble last summer with over a satellite radio, didn’t you?
Yeah, the Shiv, a radio and MP3 player for HDXABS. That was one of mine. I sent street actors out into public to portray stabbings. Once the muggers ran off and everyone was paying attention, the fatally wounded victim would use his dying breath to say, “At least he didn’t get my Shiv,” and hold up the player.

You know you’re going to Hell, right?
Probably, but I drive an Infinity.


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