Pope Benedict XVI stunned the establishment of the Roman Catholic Church last Sunday when he updated its stances on modern sexual relations.
"To be clear," Benedict said, "homosexuality is still a sin. But let us ask ourselves- exactly which acts are homosexual?"
Benedict proceeded to plow through a list of acts and positions he thought were sins.
"Obviously acts of anal sodomy are sins," he said. "So rimjobs, fisting and bareback bronco-bucking are out."
Catholics world-wide were shocked to hear some of Benedict's softened stances.
"Oral sex between men is still gay," the Pope said, "unless they're in prison. Then... what'd you do?"
Benedict maintained that male-on-male handjobs were still gay.
"Dutch Rudders are not," he said. "A Double Dutch Rudder is only gay if the two men look into each others' eyes."
Benedict paused to clarify that these divine laws only applied to gay men.
"Lesbian playing is fine," the 82-year-old man digressed, "so long as it doesn't interfere with your roles as wives and mothers."
He resumed reading his prepared statement.
"Sex with a pre-op transsexual is gay," Benedict continued, "sex with a post-op is not."
Benedict further clarified that sex with "pre-ops" was only gay if the man knew "she" had a penis when the encounter was initiated.
"If you find out midway, it's perfectly acceptable to finish."
Benedict also dismissed most male childhood behavior.
"Boys who experiment, you know... like at Nazi youth camp- that is not gay, either."
Benedict appeared to wait for a reaction from the congregation, received none, blushed and left.