Is P.F. Jones?

JP Oil Tankers Accused of Piracy
by Ryan Church
Post London Reporter
December 8, 2009
Jones Petroleum has come under fire for alleged acts of piracy by its oil tankers on the high seas.
The problem began when tankers and other ships fell prey to Somalian pirates over the past year.
"We felt our ships had the right to defend themselves," said JP president Dennis Benton. "After all- I'd rather spend $100 on bullets than lose $100 million in crude oil."
JP oil tankers succeeded in defending themselves, but soon grew more aggressive.
"We fought off three speedboats full of pirates," said Rick Jensen, crewman on the tanker Lady Catherine.
"When they tried to retreat, Captain Johnson made us chase them down and kill them."
Having found a booty of rum and crabcakes on the speedboats, the Catherine began looking for other vessels to conquer.
"I think Captain Johnson went quite mad with power," said Jensen. "He ordered us to board and pilage any boat we saw."
"They took my golf clubs, my wife's jewelry and our daughter," said world yaughter Wolf Beaufait. "I later saw her in a JP wall calendar as Miss October."
While reports of other JP tankers committing acts of piracy had increased, the Catherine and her crew stayed in the headlines by pushing the envelope.
"They crossed the line when they hijacked that Exxon oil tanker," said an annonymous JP executive. "We thought it was hilarious, but, you know- bad PR."
JP finally responded by threatening to cut its captains' bonuses if they were caught committing acts of piracy on company time.
Most appear to have gotten the message.
Captain Johnson was relieved of duty and given his own small island to rule.
Exxon was returned its missing tanker, minus the crude oil.
"Finder's fee," said the JP executive.

'Capt. Johnson went quite mad'


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