Sea Park Dolphins Believed to Be Inventing, Disseminating Aquatic Sarcasm
  mfby Marcus Feldman
Post Tampa Reporter
January 29, 2014


Dolphins appear to be spreading sarcasm around the world, marine biologists announced Wednesday.
"These dolphins, unlike those previously studied, consistently say the opposite of what they mean in sardonic tones," said Zeke Surrell, aquatic linguistics specialist.
"I sooooo want to jump through that fucking hoop again," the new JonesSpeak Aquatic Translistener™ revealed a dolphin at SeaWorld Orlando saying.
"I hope I don't splash that fat kid in the front row!" responded another.
Aquatic sarcasm is believed to have originated with dolphins held in captivity in American water parks.
"This Translistener™ thingamajig doesn't catch everything," said Hal Benson, SeaWorld trainer, "but it has detected a 4000% increase in the dolphins exclaiming the word 'really.'"
Many sarcastic dolphins have been released back into the wild, only to spread their intriguing new dialect to other sea mamals.
The trend has already reached whales in the Arctic Circle.
"Last month a beluga whale referenced my 'cute little boat,'" said Surrell. "They're turning into real smartasses."
Benson disagreed.
"Whales, in my experience, have always been dicks."
While experts are excited to observe these cultural trends, some worry that negative tones of communication could lead to rampant unhappiness throughout the sea.
"Within five years they'll have caustic stand-up acts, just watch," said Surrell.


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