February 23, 2007

My Vow That Time Travel Will Never Be Used for Personal Gain

Since my company's invention and implimentation of the world's first time machine a few months ago, there's been an aweful lot of speculation.
Most of it is optimistic, as it should be, for all the good Chrone Osphere and Time Ship 1 can do for humanity.
Some public figures, however, have tried to paint time travel, and my involvement in it, as dangerous.
This is absurd.
The Temporal News Program operates under strict guidelines to prevent misuse for personal gain, like never going to the future.
drAs for Dan Rather's musings on last night's CBS Evening News that I could be using this technology to profit financially, or even politically, I don't quite know what to say.
I've built this company on years of hard work, tough reporting and shrewd investments.
The idea that I would take the easy way out of something is laughable.
I think Mr. Rather has see Back to the Future II a few too many times.
I would never get the future sports almanac just to go back and bet the ponies.
Maybe he would, but Mrs. Jones raised a classier act than that.
I understand some people's trepidations- we're entering a new era of humanity.
But don't worry.
There's no need to fret-
It will all make sense, the morning after.


drGet Real-
A General Uses
Every Weapon
in His Arsenal

So some of you out there, like CBS's Dan Rather, are starting to worry that I might be using time travel to engage in "Temporal Warfare."
Well, you know what?
YOU'RE RIGHT!
I AM!
I've been using a time machine to build my empire for over 30 years.
What do you think about that?
I'm a billionaire with dozens of companies and I got it all by cheating the timeline.
And you know what else?
I'M GOING TO BE PRESIDENT SOME DAY AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME.
I'm going to use time travel to take over the world, and you know why?
Not because I invented it. (I DIDN'T!)
Not because it's morally right.
I'm operating on a higher, purer plain of reality than you linears.
Ethics don't apply, just the laws of nature, which say that those who can- DO.
I'm doing the same thing any of those other robber barons would do if they had time travel at their disposal.
You know why I'm telling you all this?
JUST TO SEE THE LOOKS ON YOUR STUPID LINEAR FACES.
I'll erase it from history, and your pathetic little memories, tomorrow- or yesterday, to be exact.
I'll erase it the same way I erased Cingular and QualComm and Pfizer and a million other things you've never heard of.
Then, in the "rewrite," I won't give Mr. Rather's allegations any serious attention.
Instead, I'll go back and end his career at CBS before he has the chance to insult me.
Because that's how I roll- like a force of nature.
Don't worry, if none of this makes any sense right now-
It will all make sense, the morning after.