Step Off,
T. Boone
by P.F. Jones

Every night as I watch the nightly line-up on DNN, I see countless ads by my old friend T. Boone Pickens.
These commercials aren't just running on my network- they're on MSNBC and Fox News, too.
It seems he has a plan on how to make America energy-independent through corridors of solar panels and wind mills as well as cars powered by natural gas.
Funny thing, T. Boone.- it sounds an aweful lot like part three of my plan to save the world.
The only difference is you applied it only to America, where as I was attempting to lift the whole world out of dependence on fossil fuels, thus ending global wars, pollution, economic reccessions, third-world hunger, etc.
You've spent as much money as a presidential candidate this election to prove your "Pickens' Plan" is original.
Me thinks the oil mogul doth protest too much.
Ironically, you spent all of your money in the 2004 election running 527 "swiftboat" ads against the candidate that was for alternative energy.
Now that you've made your billions, you suddenly care about the same customers you used to rape at the pump.
Let's be honest, T. Boone.
This is personal.
You're trying to carve a decent-sounding legacy out of my ideas to get back at me for pushing you out of the oil industry.
I'm sorry, Pickens, but your time was up.
You became so complacent in your billions that you couldn't smell the wind of change.
That's why 42% of Americans get their fuel from Jones Petroleum.
You never had that much of a market share with Gulf Oil and Unocal.
I think a man of your advanced years also had a problem being bought out by an African American businessman.
You remember "back in the day" when a black man got the door for you.
You never expected to have a black man show you the door.
Maybe that's why I bother you so much- I outshine you in every way.
You may have taken over a few companies in the eighties, but nothing like what I've done with Jones Acquisitions in the 21st century.
Sure you've given over $700 million to charity, but I've made over a billion in charitable contributions through the Jones Foundation.
Let's face it- when all is said and done, I'm more popular than you.
They say you even could have run for president "back in the day."
I don't have those political ambitions, but I'm sure I could beat you, even in your prime.
So spend millions of dollars on your little ads and try to get something done.
I'll be happy to keep taking your money.
Just remember that no matter what you do until you shuffle off this mortal coil, I'll always stay one step ahead of you.

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