I'm the Prettiest Princess at the Ball

by Chip Foxx
July 5, 2011


It sucks to be on the disabled list when the game's really cookin'.
I've been watching from the sidelines for the past few days, and I'm itchin' to get back in there.
With all the crazy politics in Congress and in the Republican primary, you'd think panda bears eat sushi with Nazis.
Am I right?
But, alas, I'm injured and popping these pain pills and muscle relaxers, and my fruity producers and soon-to-be-fired assistants feel my temperament isn't conducive to hosting my radio or TV shows.
What do they know?
Do they realize they're keeping me out of the game, when both the fields of presidential candidates and conservative pundits are weak as shit?
People need me!
I have the answers, if you'd all just listen.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a handsome fellow.
I'm staring at myself in the mirror right now, and I've definitely got it.
I'd pick me up in a cheap hotel bar and take me up to my room to do unspeakable things with a loofa.
I feel so dirty!
Anyway, even if I'm off the radio and TV, I can still write, right?
What could go wrong?
Now- fuck Glenn Beck.
Beck thinks he can steal my radio audience just because I'm out for the week.
Because I'm responsible,and know I shouldn't be on the air for four hours a day when I could do or say anything.
Beck should know two things.

One, I'll be back on the radio, and my TV show, soon, because nobody's fired me.
And two, his mother deep throats purple dragon cocks in Hell.
Someone had to say it.
Dammit, I've got to get back on the airwaves!
Kieth Olbermann is a pheonix of leftist hatred that's going unanswered in my absence!
I must get back to make up facts that will counter his silly arguments.
I'm good at that.
Look at me!
Listen to me!
Read me!
You're supposed to love me and want only me.
I'm gorgeous!
I'm the prettiest princess at the ball!
You should be nominating me for president.
Or at least basing you entire decision on what I say.
Fuck Palin and Gingrich and Perry.
Fuck Michele Bachmann and the Mormon twins.
I could take down Obama next November.
So long as my back isn't acting up.
You know?
Time for some more pills.