A Heartfelt Apology to 23
of My Former Assistants

by Chip Foxx
August 29, 2012



Without getting too personal, I think it's okay to let my readers know that, despite what they may think, I'm not perfect.
You see, I'm currently in this court-mandated "program," and one of the "levels" is apologizing to people I may have wronged in the past.
Well, I tried to make a list and it turned out that most of the transgressions I could recall were against former assistants of mine.
All of them, infact.
Rather than seek them out one-by-one to apologize in person and waste days of my life, like the program would have me do, I've decided to apologize to them all at once.
I'm sure they're all still loyal readers- the ones that are alive at least.
Besides, I'm still not allowed within 500 feet of a couple of them.
Okay, here we go:
I'm sorry to my old assistant Paula, who I made taste-test my kung-pow chicken. I thought you were kidding about the nut allergy.
I'm sorry Amber, the Packers beat the spread and your daughter's collage was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm sorry Bertha, it was just alliteration, and you were a little "big-boned."
I'm sorry Sati, for making you speak in that accent even though you were from Michigan.
I'm sorry Erica, for taking your anti-seizure medication. I just wanted to see what it was like, and didn't think you'd need it.
I'm sorry Renee, it was inapropriate of me to make you wear that French maid outfit.
Ditto that for Samantha and Colleen.
I'm sorry Nancy, I never should have thrown that coffee at you, no matter how you pronounce "schedule."
I'm sorry Judy, for telling the sandwich guy that you had chlamydia. I really didn't think it would spread like that.
I'm sorry Melissa, who I fired for stealing. Turned out it was this prostitute I was seeing.
I'm sorry Mariposa, who I also fired for stealing. I didn't notice

anything missing, I just assumed because you are Puerto Rican.
I'm sorry Kendra, for firing you without cause. I only hired you to see what it'd be like to have a black assistant, and I really wasn't getting anything out of it.
I'm sorry Hellen, for making you eat that can of dog food in a choker. I was having a weird week.
I'm sorry Lauren, for that compromising position you caught me in. I didn't hack your Facebook page, by the way- you left it open.
I'm sorry Alice, a combination of Jones Scotch, Ambien and your mini-skirt brought out the worst in me.
Ditto that for Rebecca, Marylin and Jane #1.
I'm sorry Jane #2 for always calling you Jane #2.
I'm sorry Rhonda, for listening in on your personal calls. Actually I did that with alot of you, but Rhonda caught me.
I'm sorry Sarah, for making you miss your father's last moments. I didn't even use the research you dug up, in the end.
I'm sorry to Kari Jefferson and her family, I was the one who sent her back into the office before it was crushed by the launch of Time Ship 1. As it turns out, I did have my sunglasses.
Wow- that really does lift a weight off my shoulders. I feel so much better.
I should apologize more often, and so should all of you.
I'm Sooooooooooo Sorry
Sorry, but I'm Not
Going to Apologize