The Cable News Network abandoned its last human anchor Monday as it replaced Wolf Blitzer with the TwitterBot 2.0.
"TB2 will use algorhythms to repeat viewers' Tweets and blogs back at them with lightning-fast efficiency," promised Jim Walton, chairman of CNN.
The decline of human reporting and debate on CNN came after several years of attempting to appear neutral in an ever-polarizing culture war.
"They tried alternating between liberal and conservative pundits," said Walton, "but studies showed that going from Anderson Cooper to Lou Dobbs killed parts of your soul."
Then came blogging, which allowed anchors to kill copious amouts of air-time by repeating what poorly-informed viewers thought back to the same poorly-informed viewers.
"People have a real interest in reading things they themselves wrote," said former CNN contributor John Cafferty. "And they go nuts if you read them on-air."
Blogs begat Twitter, which further reduced CNN anchors into TJs, or "Tweet Jockeys."
"We soon found that we were using computer programs to select the Tweets," said Walton, "so robot TJs seemed like the next logical step. At any rate, a Japenese girl-bot is friendlier than Cafferty."
Anchors were slowly replaced with TweetBots and Text-Poll Droids.
With Blitzer's termination, CNN no longer has any human hosts left.
"We don't count the Larry King android," said Walton, "despite it containing Larry's memories and essence since 1999."