CIA Leaks Wikileaks' Secrets

So What Are the
Big WikiSecrets?
by Shell Davis
Post Washington Reporter
December 11, 2010
  • "Julian Assange" is really Tony Palladuchy from Hoboken, New Jersey.
  • Rejected organization names: WikiDumped, WikiFucktheman, and WikiKnowinglyaccepted-stolenpropertyanddistributed-viatheinternet
  • Assange like to take off his pants and dance around the office while humming the theme to "Fame."
  • Assange has monthly prescriptions for Prozac, Rohypnol and Viagra waiting for him on six continents.
  • Wikileaks' servers are 78% full of downloaded porn and spy movies (and 2% spy porn).
  • Assange's "lawyers" are really just homeless men he cleaned up and loaned suits.
  • Wikileaks' website is really just a bunch of crazy bullshit Assange made-up and designed to look like it came from an army of reporters and sources all around the world. I mean, really, what kind of idiot would read that type of thing?

After failing to contain Wikileaks' humiliating revelations or extradite its creator Julian Assange, the U.S. government has resorted to counter-embarrassing the controversial website.
"Let's just see how they like it," said Leon Panetta, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, at a press conference Friday.
He took time going over some of his favorite revelations from documents hacked from Wikileaks servers.
"Apparently, Assange's credit is so bad," said Panetta, "that he needed his mother to cosign for a used '05 Chevy Cobalt."
He went on to show that Assange had been rejected by the Universities of Pheonix and DeVry.
"That's got to hurt," said Panetta.
All in all, the C.I.A. released over 3,000 Wikileaks documents, including memos, emails and bank records.
With thousands of hackers around the world on Assange's side, experts fear this could be sparking an "Embarrassment Race" the U.S. couldn't hope to win.
"With all the shit we pull around the globe," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, "we don't want to start this pissing contest."

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