Police responded to hundreds of calls reporting "flying objects" over the west side of Manhattan Saturday night.
Most of those people were drunk, stoned or insane, in this reporter's opinion.
I wasted a perfectly good clubbing night talking to losers who think they saw spaceships over New York.
"I was looking for my friend's dog on the fire escape," said Rodney Smith, a "self-employed" loser in need of a shirt and a Tic-Tac, "when the sky exploded. It was heavy."
"Then these two spaceships warped out," Smith continued while stroking his chest hair. "It was the best night I've had in a while."
Others had more creative explanations.
"I'm telling you, it was a fucking dustbuster," said community organizer Vinnie Giovanni, "just 30 feet long and made of gold. And there was a silver dildo-thing, too."
Oh, and so many people complained about hearing an explosion that the FBI was called in to investigate a possible terrorist attack, but of course there was none, so they just wasted thousands of tax-payer dollars on the word of idiots.
No official explanation has been offered thus far, and there won't be one, unless it's discovered that the local residents all have lead in their tapwater.
A man was found dead in an apartment on 4th Avenue Saturday morning, the apparent victim of a knife attack.
NYPD detectives found little physical evidence to work with at the crime scene.
"We know there were probably two other people there, and that the killer was right-handed, but that's it," said Detective Jennifer Cross.
The unidentified man had no confirmable identity, just a fake drivers license.
"His ID said he was 'Russell Peterman,'" said Detective Drew Roberts. "Problem is, Peterman doesn't exist."
"It was just a fake ID, not an identity theft," said Roberts. "The soc didn't match a real Russ Peterman. He wouldn't have gotten far using it."
The FBI was called in after proprietary documents belonging to General Electric and Integrated Technologies were found in the victim's apartment.
"The victim appears to have been involved in some sort of corporate espionage," said Agent Cross. "He was probably hired by one of the companies' competitors."
Both G.E. and I.T. deny "Peterman" ever breached their security.
Integrated Technologies released a statement Monday morning.
"We want to reassure citizens and stockholders that none of the recovered documents have anything to do with our defense contracts or time-travel technology," said I.T. spokesperson Debbie Shultz.
"Whoever this guy was," said Agent Cross, "he was killed to keep someone's secret."
P.F. Jones ran leaping rooftop-to-rooftop, and I trailed a short distance behind.
I had come to what you would consider "modern-day" New York to investigate the disappearance of a physicist who had worked for G.E. when Jones bought it.
Dr. Russell Peterman hadn't just vanished from "now" (as you linears know it), but from history completely.
If I hadn't erased him -and I was fairly certain that I hadn't- then Jones must have.
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