Several world leaders and top-tier journalists received mysterious phone calls from a supposed Trump administration spokesperson this weekend to highlight the new president's unsung greatness and accomplishments.
"John Miller," though not appearing on any west wing staff lists, none-the-less spent hours Friday and Saturday nights telling journalists like Eugene Robinson why "they're getting it all wrong."
"He's giving new meaning to 'presidential greatness,' this guy," Miller said in a familiar tone and cadence. "Twenty executive orders in ten days! He's like a governing machine. He's the Govern-nator, with better ratings than that other loser."
"This is a new one for me," said Robinson. "I don't think I can... even... Yeah. Fuck it. I quit."
He even called yours truly.
"You guys and the Times need to lay off the guy, he's working really hard. And you give him no reason to give any of you ingrates any access. The only reason I'm giving you a call is those great legs you got."
German Chancellor Angela Merkel's office reported a call from Miller over the Oval Office line at 3:16am UTC.
"Don't worry about the Russians. President Trump's got them all in the palm of his hand," he assured Chancellor Merkel over her bedside telephone.
"He does. Really. Don't... you don't get SNL over there, do you? Don't watch that. It's crap."
Merkel didn't know how she was supposed to react to such a call.
"I said, 'Donald, you know that I know this is you, don't you?' and the line went dead."
While leaders and press dealt with Miller, a few members of Congress were treated to calls from "John Barron," another unlisted spokesperson.
"Don't worry about the call to Australia, it went great," Barron told minority leader Chuck Schumer. "He's just got to whip these countries into line. You know how that is, right Chuckie?"
Publicists John Miller and John Barron placed familiar-voiced calls in the 1970s, '80s & '90s exalting Trump's business accolades and personal conquests to journalists.
President Trump will no doubt require a great deal of their assistance over the next four years.