NOTE TO READERS: always being rude to the copyeditors + CCing all your text messages to the copy desk = this story

Bring My Truck Back Right Now, Dammit!

You're Never Gonna Believe What Happened!

by Bubba Johnson
Post Biloxi Contributor
June 7, 2012

the following comprises 14 texts on a Post phone
by Louie Claybrook
Post Biloxi Contributor
June 7, 2012

transcribed Post voicemail

Dammit, Louie!
Bring my truck back right now!
I never said you could use it and I gotta work later.
You know I can't support myself on this newspaper bulls&*t.
What if I get a call for a tow right now?
You want me to lose customers?
I'm the only person insured to drive Betsy.
To be honest, I haven't even paid the insurance in a couple of months.
So don't let anything happen to her.
Hurry up and get back here.
I've got some stuff in there I can't lose.
I agreed to transport some stuff for Leanin' Ricky, and it better all be there when you get back!
Hey, no big gulps- you always spill s&*t and I can't have the stuff under the seat gettin' wet.
If anything's missing, Ricky will kill me, but not before I KILL YOU!
Come on, Louie, at least text me back.
I'm doing the job for Ricky so I can pay for an engagement ring for Verna.
I think she's gonna leave me if I don't marry her soon.
So, you get it now?
You get back here and let me go make my drop to Ricky and I get to take the money to the Gulfport Walmart and get the ring I seen and Verna marries me, or Verna leaves me, Ricky kills me and I kill you.
Comprende`, amigo?

Holy s&*t!
You're never going to believe what happened.
First of all- I'm okay.
I know that'd be you first concern.
I borrowed Betsy to pick up a washer and dryer I saw on the side of Popp's Ferry Road.
I got stopped at the draw bridge by a barge.
I was checking your radio stations and didn't notice the barge had veered off course.
By the time I looked up to see what people were yelling about, a pylon was hitting the bridge not 10 feet away from me.
The whole bridge lurched beneath me.
I tried to turn Betsy around, but we were already tearing away from the rest of the bridge.
I got out and jumped to avoid the barge, falling bridge and... you know, Betsy.
I'm real sorry about her, Bubba.
I know you loved that truck.
But at least you got her insured.
Man, I'm just greatful to be alive.
It's gonna suck not havin' Popp's Ferry Bridge for awhile.
On the bright side, this JM phone really is waterproof!
Hey look- you sent me some texts...

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