How Do I Know That's Really
My Editor's Thumb?
  whby Walter Hicks
Post Atlanta Reporter
January 8, 2013


Okay, granted- this does appear to be a human thumb.
But how do we know it really belongs to our editor, Aaron Masters?
We're not going to pay your ransom just because we received a thumb in the mail.
I'll concede that Mr. Masters did just take his vacation in Mexico.
I'll also concede that we have yet to see him, even though he was supposed to return to work Monday morning.
But that doesn't mean we believe he was kidnapped.
Haven't you ever heard of a proof-of-life photo?
How do we know this thumb didn't come off a cadaver?
It's not like we ever thumb-printed the guy.
If Mr. Masters were here right now, he'd be the first to point out that our parent company, International Jones, Inc., has a strict policy against negotiating with kidnappers or terrorists.
Besides, our paper doesn't have $5 million at its disposal.
At best, we've got 46 bucks in petty cash right now.
(And that's only there because Mr. Masters refused to spend it on a staff Christmas party.)
To be brutally honest, he's not very popular.
If only Mr. Masters had a wife, or children, or anyone in the community who cared about him.
Turns out he's the last decendent of a family that made all its money in the slave trade.
As acting editor, Mr. Masters did tell me to do what I thought he would do.
Which, in this case, is nothing.
So I'll just have to live with the possibility that I may receive a promotion that wouldn't have otherwise been available.
Feel free to send us more body parts, though, if you think it'll help convince us.


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