After a botched roll-out at Christmas, Microsoft is trying to re-invigorate its tablet market share by offering fellatio with the purchase of a new Windows 8 Surface.
"We listened to what consumers wanted, and it seems like a no-brainer," said Paul Thurrott, senior analyst for Windows IT Pro.
According to Thurrott, oral gratification will not be offered with the $499 base model.
"You'll have to at least buy the $599 Surface with the keyboard."
Customers wishing to take Microsoft up on this offer will have to purchase the tablet during promotional events at ElectroJones Superstores, Best Buy or Staples.
Fellatio will be limited to 10 minutes (unless you buy the Surface Pro, starting at $899) and be provided by certified Microsoft Advisors.
"If you were hoping to get blown by the Geek Squad or Tech Bitches, you're out of luck," said Thurrott.
Advisors will offer "ball and ass play" with purchase of extended warranties.
"The advisor got me off in eight minutes," said Harry Duffrain, who participated in the test promo in January. "It took her twice as long to explain Windows 8."
Look for promotional weekend sales throughout March and April.
"Let's see iPads do that," said Thurrott.