|NRA Researchers Scrambling to Find Mass- Stabbing Cases||
Asshole in Next Cubicle Already
Making Sandy Hook Jokes
|by Conner Banks
Post Manhattan Reporter
December 18, 2012
|by Ezra Dulles
Post Washington Reporter
December 19, 2012
||The National Rifle Association, America's biggest gun rights advocate, is frantically searching for evidence that Americans die just as often from knife attacks as they do mass-shootings.
"We're sure it's out there," said Wayne LaPierre, executive vice preisident of the NRA. "If anyone's got some relevant stats, or even just an anecdote, call us up."
They were able to find a couple of cases since 2000, but both were from Japan.
"And both guys wished they had guns for higher death tolls," admitted LaPierre.
After a series of mass-shootings in recent years, the NRA's support of rifles, that somehow covers support of handguns (that somehow covers support of military-grade assault weapons), has itself come under fire.
"It's almost as if Americans
|don't love their guns as much now," said LaPierre.
The NRA is hoping to find mass- murders commited with blades, automobiles, fire or even food.
"You could feed people eggs and bacon 'til they die, too."
NRA researchers were momentarily relieved to find that baseball bats were the most-used weapons in violent crimes.
"Then we found out that, when asked, most bat assailants said they would have preferred a gun in that moment of anger and probably, if they'd had access, would have shot more people and possibly themselves," admitted an annonymous NRA researcher.
The NRA said they will continue their research no matter how many similar tragedies occur.
||Brian Cettlic, a telemarketing specialist in Arlington, Virginia, is reportedly disturbing coworkers with jokes at the expense of last week's school shooting tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut.
"That asshole had Sandy Hook elementary jokes ready to go Monday morning," said Martha Colburn, who shares the adjacent cubicle at TransState Marketing.
"His knock-knock joke made me want to puke," said Colburn.
Most of Cettlic's coworkers agree that he tries too hard to shock people with inappropriate humor.
"It's like he gets off on hearing the words 'too soon'," said Allie Watson, receptionist. "I almost don't want to give him the satisfaction."
"He wants to be Daniel Tosh so bad. It's pathetic," said Rhonda Sivitz, accounts manager.
While Cettlic refused to comment on his humor, he may not be entirely misguided in his efforts.
"Well, yeah, I have slept with Brian before," admitted Sivitz. "It's 'cause he always make me laugh so hard."
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