Santa Asks for Federal Bailout

by Ezra Dulles
Post Washington Reporter
December 21, 2008
Is P.F. Jones?

Congress, in an emergency session Sunday, granted Santa Claus a $30-billion bailout package to save Christmas.
"I've been hard-hit by the global economic slowdown," said Claus at the congressional hearing chaired by Congressman Barney Frank.
Santa Claus claims the economic recession has forced many parents to cut back on Christmas toys for good children.
"In times like these, I always like to step up my operation to compensate," said Claus.
Unfortunately, the global "credit crunch" has prevented Claus' company, North Pole, Inc., from getting the financing it needs to cover materials and labor.
"We were weary to bailout another industry, at first," said Frank. "Particulary one with such little transparency."
Claus initially refused to disclose anything about the "Naughty or Nice" list or how it was compiled,
but eventually conceded certain details to receive the $30 billion.
"Obviously this is an urgent issue, with time playing a major factor," said Frank. "Any bailout leaves a bad taste in our mouths, but we had to do this- for the children."
Many question the executive elf's ability to do anything with a bailout only a 100 hours before Christmas.
"My elves can do anything," Claus said.
The elf union, however, has scoffed at Congress' requirement that it make concessions.
"We're already working 600-hour days," said one elf under the condition of anonymity. "You people don't really understand how Santa's workshop works, do you?"



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