Romney Advisers Dose Mormon Candidate with Caffeine for Debate
|by Philip Waters
October 4, 2012
|Presidential candidate Mitt Romney made a surprisingly energetic showing in his first debate against President Barack Obama after advisers secretly dosed him with crushed up Viviran tablets.
"I feel God's touch tonight!" said Romney, a devout Mormon who never consumes caffeine, moments before the debate.
"I think I can blame unrest in the Middle East on Obamacare," said a wide-eyed, jittery Romney.
"No, don't do that," Campaign Manager Matt Rhoades insisted while lint-rolling his jacket. "Drink lots of water- and quit smiling so much!"
On stage, the Republican candidate seemed to bulldoze the incumbent Obama- albeit with distortions, skewed statistics and outright lies.
"We've got 23 million people out of work," proclaimed a bold Romney, while advisers off-stage emphatically mouthed the words "NO WE DON'T!"
"Pre-existing conditions are covered under my plan," Romney lied.
"SHIT," mouthed Rhoades, aware that they're not, and that 89 million Americans would lose coverage.
The president appeared largely befuddled throughout the event.
Romney experienced his first caffeine crash at 11:04 p.m.