Time Travel Deemed 'Perfectly Safe'

by Shell Davis
Morning After Reporter
June 24, 2006
Is P.F. Jones?

The Morning After Post launched it's Temporal News Program Saturday and many people are asking themselves the same irksome question:
Is Time-Travel safe?
I had a chance to interview a supposed expert in the field, New York Senator Marmaduke Dumblebaum III, who was in attendance Saturday.
Senator Dumblebaum has been a strong advocate of the program on Capitol Hill as well as a spokesperson for time-travel on the talk-show circuit.

So senator, is time-travel safe?

JMG claims Chrone Osphere won't go to the future, how can we be sure he won't?
"It's one of the program's directives."

So, there's some kind of governor on the mechanism preventing him from traveling into the future?
"Well, no. I don't believe there is. That would prevent him from going back and forth. He has to be able to go into the future- from whatever past he's in. You see? "

But what's to stop him from interacting? What if he uses the time machine inappropriately, for personal reasons?
"This isn't a toy. They understand that here. These are serious people."

This technology could be more destructive than the nuclear bomb- shouldn't it be nationalized for the good of mankind?
"No, I don't think government regulation is necessary. So far as we know, time travel is perfectly safe. There's no reason it can't be a self-regulating industry, like oil or health care- they worked out fine."

And it's acceptable for one company to hold the monopoly on time-travel?
"This isn't an anti-trust issue. Time-travel is proprietary technology. IJI invented it- they deserve to corner the market for a while."

Chrone Osphere is obviously a man. Do you know if any female journalists were considered?
"Don't start that feminist crap."

I thought the journalist JMG hired to be "Chrone Osphere" looked familiar. It couldn't have been who I thought it was, but still- how can we trust this man's annonimity? How do we know he's the best candidate to be the first chrononaut? Shouldn't he be vetted by more people than P.F. Jones?
"I'm sure Mr. Jones' judgement is sound. The man employs hundreds of thousands of people. I'm certain he found the most stable, ethical reporter he could find."

Speaking of Jones and employees of IJI, aren't they amongst your biggest campaign contributors?
"I don't have that information at hand-"

Isn't that why you support not only the temporal news program, but deregulation of any industry IJI touches?
"This interview is over."

Integrated Technologies' engineers are hard at work to make the Post's Temporal News Program possible... all for you.

View Senator Dumblebaum's
pole-dancing performance at
a recent fundraiser after six
Jones & Cokes




President George W. Bush
Captain Obvious
Chrone Osphere vs. P.F. Jones

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