The epidemic of childhood obesity in America is being caused by boring playground equipment, a Jones Research Institute study concluded Friday.
"I don't want to go outside," said 10-year-old Derrick Williams while chewing a Twinkie and playing PS3. "I'm about to save the world!"
Derrick is typical of American children in that he doesn't want to play on the lackluster recreational equipment available in his hometown.
His mother, Linda, had to force him to go with her to their empty neighborhood playground.
"I don't let Derrick come here by himself," said Linda, "not since I saw that 'To Catch a Parasite' series."
Derrick appears restless and unamused with the equipment.
"This sucks. The slide only takes three seconds. The monkey bars just sit there," Derrick said. "Where are the vampires? When do the aliens attack?"
Derrick's frustrations are not unique.
Eight-year-old Suzy Jenkins can only remember having fun on a playground once, when she was four.
"It was a McDonald's playplace," Suzy recalls. "I had two Happy Meals at my cousin's birthday and threw up in the ball cage. Then went I home and beat him at Bond on the 64. It was a great day."