|President Obama Wondering What Kind of Evil, Fucked Up Shit He Could Do and Still Win This November's Election|
Post Washington Editor
October 2, 2012
|President Barack Obama has been contemplating what, if anything, he could possibly do to lose this November's election to Mitt Romney, White House sources reported Tuesday.
"Seriously, not that I ever would, but what kind of evil, fucked up shit could I do and still beat Mitt?" the president allegedly asked at a meeting in the Oval Office.
"What if I just drop trou' at this debate?" President Obama asked.
"I think I could grope a vet's widow or kick a sick kid in the nuts," anonymous sources quoted the president, "and Romney would still come out and say something stupider."
President Obama went on to consider other election-proof offenses, like going on a drunk driving rampage, jive-preaching to the U.N. General Assembly or a Clinton-esque sex scandal.
"I could be getting my balls washed while talking to Putin," he lamented, "and America would still pick me over that robotic freak."
West Wing staffers became concerned after the president started bringing the question up at every meeting.