Time Travel is here.
International Jones, Inc. owns it and will be using it exclusively for a news column in The Morning After Post.
"Chrone Osphere: Correspondent in Time" will be humanity's first time-traveler*, or chrononaut, as he pilots Time Ship 1, the world's first time machine.*
The "Temporal News Program" launched, quite literally, from the Jones Tower rooftop Saturday afternoon.
Hundreds of the world's politicians, business leaders and celebrities gathered to usher in a new era at the most expensive party ever.
Catherine Zeta Jones, star of ABS's Ulterior Vows, and DNN's Chip Foxx kicked off the afternoon by introducing the mysterious Chrone Osphere.
The time-traveler stumbled up to the podium, looked the crowd back and forth, and spoke:
"This is bullshit. I'm not your monkey-boy," Chrone declared. "Let me tell you about the real Perpetual Fucking Jones-"
Catherine Zeta pulled the delerious chononaut away from the microphones.
"We apologize for that," said Martha Benson, director of Human Resources at Post Manhattan. "Mr. Osphere is just having some adverse effects to the pre-temporal-warp medication. The scientific panel for the Temporal News Program will now take questions."
"What if he screws up the future?" asked Helen Thomas.
"Chrone Osphere will be using Time Ship 1 only to observe history," said a top scientist on the project. "He will not be interacting with anyone in the past, nor will he be traveling to the future."
"The future will always remain a mystery to us, the way it should be."
"Why can't we have Chrone Osphere's real name?" asked Shell Davis.
"Chrone is too important a figure to be simplified down to his past accomplishments," said . "We want him to be known for his role in humanity's future."
"Does that thing fly?" Thomas winced while gesturing toward Time Ship 1, which was blinding the crowd with the sun's reflected light.
"So this 'Chrone' is a licensed pilot?" Thomas asked.
"Well, no- but he did spend weeks in the simulator."
The Q & A session was interupted by the surprise appearance of P.F. Jones, who spoke of the occassion's significance.
"We stand here on the last eve of ignorance," Jones promised, "for the morning's daybreak will be the threshhold to a new era of enlightenment."
Hundreds then watched Jones base-jump off the roof, completely missing Caterine Zeta Jones slapping Chip Foxx for inappropriate comments.
With Jones gone, the afternoon culminated with the launch of Time Ship 1.
The glimmering chrome time machine hovered off the rooftop helipad (er- chronopad?) with some frightening difficulty at first, flailing mid-air as its repulsors crushed the helipad.
"I thought it was going to crash," Catherine Zeta Jones later confessed, "but then it disapeared in a flash and everybody cheered."
After Time Ship 1 launched, the panel took more questions.
"If he's sending reports back through time, shouldn't we get his first one instantly?" asked DNN's Selena B. Kim.
"That's not exactly how this works," said Kiko Yamamoto, IT specialist at the Post Manhattan.
"Isn't that what that computer panel was for- so we could read his first report? Is there a problem?"
"No more questions."