Krokodil + Mad Cow Disease =
Zombie Apocalypse, Get a Gun
|by Dick Daley
Post Chicago Reporter
February 9, 2014
|by Lindsey Quinn
Post Manhattan Reporter
February 10, 2014
|First of all, if you're reading this in or near New York, Boston, Montreal, Detroit, Chicago, or Toronto- STOP READING!
GO LOCK THE DOORS AND WINDOWS, SHUTTERS IF YOU GOT 'EM.
GET A GUN. MAKE SURE IT'S LOADED.
Here's what you need to know.
Zombies are out there -yes, again- and it's not a small, "contained incident" like what happened in Virginia in 2010.
This time the zombies came from krokodil users eating beef infected with mad-cow disease.
Krokodil, a Russian street drug, causes body parts to rot off after use.
It has begun surfacing in the same major U.S. and Canadian cities as an outbreak of mad-cow disease that's been traced to Quality Consumables. (see sidebar)
Krokodil users who ate tainted QC beef suffered a terminal reaction, but continued to walk around biting and infecting others with a newborn pathogen.
Not only that, but QC's stupid snack sprays seem to amp them way up.
A few spritzes turn them into cannabalistic sprinters.
Now it's spreading like wildfire.
They're everywhere, at least in the cities.
I'm grabbing Sloan from accounting, some flares, a box of ammo ans a bottle of Jones Scotch and heading up to the roof.
Hopefully we'll get airlifted in time.
If not, the last two bullets are for Sloan and me.
|Quality Consumables, a Post sister-company, 'deeply apologized' for the mad-cow disease-tainted beef associated with this week's zombie outbreak, a spokesperson said in a statement Saturday.
"We didn't mean to send infected meat products to grocers, restaurants, schools and prisons across North America," said Brett Jenkins.
Jenkins attempted to explain further.
"Look, the cows weren't getting fat enough on grass alone. So, we started feeding them all this extra corn we had. They got fatter, but some of them started dying."
"So we ground them up and fed them to the other cows, which spread the disease around faster. Sorry."
Quality Consumables rejects the idea that FlavaJones Snackhalents had anything to do with the zombies.
"Unless they mean FlavaJones with Turbo Boost. That does contain an ingredient we have yet to identify."