PharmaJones, a Post sister-company, recalled eight million pills Monday after discovering it had mis-bottled its erectile disfunction and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder medications.
"We're terribly embarrassed about this," said Brett Jenkins, spokesperson for PharmaJones, a division of Quality Consumables.
"Of course we never meant to give children hyper boners."
Thousands of children prescribed ADHD medication were affected by the egregious mistake.
"My Phillip is usually a perfect angel," said Rhonda Brody, distraught mother. "I just went to the store for a minute. When I came back Phillip had violated my entire doll collection in the family room."
Other stories were similar.
"It was tramatising," said Page Heathrow, 28, of her ordeal caused by the pill mix-up.
Heathrow teaches a special behaviors class Peatora, Illinois, with 15 male adolescent students with ADHD.
"They were all clearly off their meds, and then they all got... aroused at the same time," said Heathrow. "I had to get out. It was like being in a cage full of horny monkeys. Don't print that."
The mix-up has also had consequences on the erectiley-challenged community.
"My husband hasn't had sex with me all month," said Dorothy Willard, 58. "But we've been talking a lot and he's really been listening to me. Do we have to change back?"
Malleable Perceptions PR, another Post sister-company, is handling PharmaJones' damage control.
"My team came up with the 'boners happen' spots," boasted campaign coordinator Richard Clamp. "See what I did there? I used 'boner' like 'boneheaded mistake.' It'll catch on. You watch."
Clamp may be right.
Despite the severity of PharmaJones' error, all of the families affected settled for two years of free prescriptions.
Or perhaps they all genuinely forgave a corporation for its mistake.
Erring is human.
After all, boner hap- GODDAMMIT!