Lone Gunman's Imaginary Friend
an Even Bigger Asshole Than He Is

by Dick Daley
Post Chicago Reporter
March 1, 2012

New information on Herbert Grunik, aka the Spring Valley Mall Shooter, suggests that his only friend, an imaginary panda bear named Roofus, is an even bigger asshole than Grunik is.
"Roofus is a monster" said Dr. Alexander Mendig, the forensic psychologist assigned to determine Grunik's competency.
"He's a total asshole," said Mendig of the invisible talking panda. "I feel really sorry for Herbert."
"He's been singing 'Henry VIII' in my ear for 13 months," said a tearful Grunik in court.
Experts agree that Roofus' cruel tormenting lead Grunik to shoot up the SVM food court, critically wounding nine people.
"Roofus questions his math, his manhood, even his ability to differentiate colors," said Mendig.
Grunik was relieved to learn he wasn't colorblind, as Roofus had convinced him he was since 2009.
"He says pandas have an evolved sense of fashion, and I definitely can't dress myself," said Grunik.
Grunik claims he only took his semi-automatic handgun and double-barrel shotgun to the Spring Valley Mall on February 6 because Roofus promised to stop taunting him if he did.
"He lied. Still singing," said Grunik.


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