Jones Mobile Denies
'Green Tumor' Link

Jones Health Drops Most
'Green Tumor' Coverage

Integrated Tech Chip
Cures 'Green Tumors'

by Jim Stanton
Post Tech Columnist
March 28, 2010

by Conner Banks
Post Manhattan Reporter
March 29, 2010

by Ezra Dulles
Post Washington
March 29, 2010

Jones Mobile, an IJI subsidiary and Post sister-company, announced Wednesday that it flatly denies any connection to the "Green Tumor" epidemic.
"The rumors are simply false," said JM spokesperson Hil Remmy.
It's a tough position to defend, considering 100% of GT patients are Jones Mobile customers.
"Just a coincidence," said Remmy.
While Jones Mobile has remained fervent in its denial, it has released a new line cell phone skins honoring its GT customers, called "Greenies," which proudly display a pattern of green spots.
JM has promised a free skin to any customer with GT.
"Because we love our customers," said Remmy.

Jones Health Assurance, an IJI company, came under fire Thursday after announcing it would not cover most treatments for the Green Tumor epidemic, now affecting millions of people.
Customers were perplexed as to how JHA could deny treatment after health-care was reformed.
JHA lists cancer treatments for GT as "abortion of malignante verde," and has a policy of not to fund "abortions" of any kind.
Similar policies prevents JHA from funding abortions of appendicitis, kidney failure or "bone disalignment."
JHA has agreed to cover the GT "cure chip," manufactured by Integrated Technologies, another IJI subsidiary.

Integrated Technologies, an IJI company, announced Thursday that they'd developed a microchip that cures "Green Tumors."
"We're elated that we might be able to save millions of our customers' lives," said IT spokesperson Melanie Chambers.
The chip, once inserted into the patient's brain, cures GT within three months and never need be removed.
The chip retails for $17,999.
Most HMOs, including IJI's JHA, cover 75% of the chip's cost for GT patients.
"I had to pay $4500 to Integrated Tech, even though I think their sister company gave me green tumors," said Jackie Sawer, GT survivor.
"Then JHA jacked my premium up 60%."

International Jones Accused of Creating Epidemic for Profit

by Lindsey Quinn
Post Manhattan
March 30, 2010


Friday afternoon, a bipartisan group of Senators called for an investigation into IJI and the Green Tumor epidemic.
"Our constituents demand answers!" said Senator Tom Harkin (D-IA), Chairman of the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions committee.
"It's a conspiracy!" shouted protestors in three coordinated demonstrations outside Capital Hill, Jones Tower in Manhattan and the Integrated Technologies compound in Virginia.
Their case is mounting.
Jones Mobile phones use
frequencies which are thought to generate the signature green

tumors in the brain, phone-ear and surrounding skin.
Critics have said that JM phones could work off the same safe frequencies other cell phones use, they just choose to occupy a level of the bandwidth other companies can't reach.
"It's called sub-space," said an annonymous Jones Mobile employee. "I think they're using top-secret shit from Integrated Tech."
The fact that Integrated Technologies has the only cure for Green Tumors (a chip you leave in your head forever) also appears to be a conflict of interest.
With nearly two million GT cases, IJI stands to gross $36 billion, even if it has to move tens of billions from one hand to another.

The real conspiracy theory revolves around Integrated Tech's other microchip for the brain- the cerebral stenography chip.
The cerebral stenographer, developed for the Temporal News Program (and our Zelda column), not only reads thoughts, but records and transmits them as well.
"They could be watching me do my scrap-booking!" said Jackie Sawer, Jones Health Assurance customer and Green Tumor survivor.
IJI denies they are building an army of corporate spies.
"Though that would be an impressive marketing campaign," said Vladimir Himler, IJI synergy czar.
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