Steve Jobs Really Is Dead. Sorry.


  jsby Jim Stanton
Post Los Angeles
December 14, 2012


Okay, let me start by saying that I'm never drinking tequila again.
I was out drinking with my buddy Jimmy last night and things got a little out of hand.
I started with a couple of Jones & Jones and then switched over to beer.
But then Jimmy started getting shots of tequila and I had to match him.
Some guys get happy or sad or angry when they get really drunk.
Jimmy and I get conspiratorial.
It started when one of us mumbeld something about that fake moon landing.
Then we spent a half hour on the standards- JFK, MLK, Roswell and the Twin Towers.
After the sixth round of shots Jimmy hit me with a new one.
"You know, Steve Jobs isn't dead. He just faked his own death to get out of Apple alive," he said.
"No way," I said.
But Jimmy laid out the evidence and it all fit.
After Jobs cut out Bill Gates and Steve Wozniak, he got ahead by using alien technology that the government wanted.
Then he had racked up billions of dollars and had enough "inventions" to last the next decade, but was sure someone was going to try to kill him before he could retire.
So, he faked cancer and his own funeral.
Made sense.
Then I realized that, unlike other conspiracy theories, this was one we could prove-
Jobs is supposedly buried here in California!
I bought whole bottle from the bartender and we set out on a drunken roadtrip.
We picked up some shovels and flashlights on the way to the cemetary in Alta Mesa.
A couple hours of digging, arguing, laughing and napping later, we got to the coffin.
Long story short, Jobs really is dead.
We put all the dirt back, so, no harm-no fowl.
And at least we put a conspiracy theory to rest.
I'm gonna get out of here before my editor shows up.
I need some Gatorade and about 18 hours of sleep.







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