Is P.F. Jones?

Virginia Neighborhood
Still Glowing Green

by Ezra Dulles
Post Washington Reporter
January 7, 2008

I Discovered the
East Wing's Secret

by Chrone Osphere
Temporal Correspondent

Three weeks after initial reports, a quarantined Virginia neighborhood is still glowing green.
Problems for the residents of The Gate at Jones Mills began when lightning struck the generator complex at neighboring defense contractor Integrated Technologies.
Both the neighborhood and defense contractor are owned by International Jones, Inc., and many of the residents work there.
"They're all healthy and in high spirits," said Integrated Tech spokesperson Anne Weltlich of those still fenced-in by the Virginia National Guard.
Reports from residents, however, offer details of frightening symptoms like hallucinations, dementia- and some too unbelievable to report.
"All ridiculous," said Weltlich. "They're perfectly safe."
"The Murphys' mailbox has been following me around all day," claimed retired schoolbus driver Skip Henderson. "Does that sound 'perfectly safe' to you?"
Many residents claimed they've heard trees in the development humming the theme to Star Wars.
"Actually, the maples were whistling Superman and the pine trees were beeboxing Indiana Jones," said Henderson. "But in every case it was John Willams."
"That's perfectly normal," said Weltlich.
Most report lost memories, false memories and seeing people appear and disappear before their own eyes.
"Okay, some of the residents do need to lay off the cafeine." said Weltlich.
None of the residents interviewed could properly recall the last two presidents, the wars in Iraq and Afgahnistan or 9/11.
Experiences get odder when examined on a case by case basis.
"I keep having this nightmare about the end of the world," said high school senior Shawn Colbey. "Last time I woke from it I was standing naked in the duck pond with a bloody nose. I don't want to live here anymore."
There's no indication as too when the quarentine will be lifted or what actually caused it in the first place.
The Coalition for Linear Existence has suggested that the Jones Mills residents are suffering from exposure to technology related to time travel.
Considering Integrated Tech has proudly manufactured the only known time machine in the world, it's not an impossible explanation.
"These poor people have been cut off from their causality and are suffering from temporal psychosis," said CLE spokesperson George Clooney.
"That's not possible," said Weltlich. "Most of that research was destroyed by the Army of Truth's fire last year."
The "Army," sabotuers with a long history of destroying IJI property, still denies responsibility for the fire.

An ionic burst lept off the dustbuster, arced over TS1 and hit the far wall.
The wall winked out of existence, the same way his ship does.
It was a bolt of vacuous space-time.
Jones, the ruthless bastard, had weaponized time travel.
I don't know where he sent that wall, but I doubted it was somewhere I wanted to go.
"Get us out of here!" I yelled at the computer.
Another time-ray shot past TS1 as it spun around.
"And see if there's a way to defend against THAT!"
"Hmmmm," PITA thought for a moment, then said, "I think I have an idea. If I configure the magnetic field in the aft section to create a temporal-"
"Just do it!"
"Okie-dokie, done."
Jones' time-ray hit my make-shift temporal shielding and bounced off.
"Nice job, PI-"
The deflected ray shot past Jones'dustbuster and hit the archaic inversion core... more
 

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