Virginia Neighborhood
"Still Glowing"
by Ezra Dulles
Post Washington Reporter
The problems started when lightning struck the generator complex at nearby defense contractor Integrated Technologies.
A visible electrical shockwave ran through the neighborhood of 250 homes and nearly a thousand residents, which has been glowing green ever since.
Residents have also been reporting freak occurances, symptoms and side effects- and are begining to hurl accusations at Integrated Tech.
Both the Jones Mills gated community and Integrated Tech are owned by International Jones, Inc.
"Both the Jones Mills residents and I.T. employees are perfectly safe," said I.T. spokesperson Anne Weltlich.
"The Murphys' mailbox has been following me around all day," claimed retired schoolbus driver Skip Henderson. "Does that sound 'perfectly safe' to you?"
"I had this nightmare that the green glow was raping my mind," confessed high school senior Shawn Colbey. "Then I woke up, and I was naked in the duck pond with blood coming out of my nose. I don't want to live here anymore."
Some residents have enjoyed the turn of events.
"I wished I had Showtime, and it just came on TV," said community college dropout Victor Nesmath. "Then I got past passwords on my X-Box, and then on computer porn."
Despite assurances from the CDC that Jones Mills is perfectly safe, its residents have been fenced in by the national guard for "their own good."
"Our friends at the State Department agreed with us that Mills' residents may be better off if we sequestered them for a while," said Weltlich.
The gated community residents have been happy to comply by not going to work- so long as the military continues delivering groceries, drugs and video games.
Still, reports from inside Jones Mills are only getting odder.
Many residents have claimed they heard trees in the development whistling the theme to Star Wars.
"Actually, the maples were whistling and the pine trees were beeboxing," said Henderson. "The willows were scatting Superman, but in every case it was John Willams."
"That's perfectly normal," said Weltlich.
Hundreds of residents have been suffering from memory loss, confusion and dementia.
"Who made the baseball commissioner president?" residents shouted in the community center. "What's this shit about war?"
None of the residents were able to recall the Terrorist Attacks of September 11th.
The Coalition for Linear Existence has suggested that the Jones Mills residents are suffering from exposure to technology related to time travel, such as a temporal isolation field or a temporal inversion core.
"That's not possible," said Weltlich. "Most of that technology and research was destroyed by the Army of Truth last year."
The "Army," which has cost I.J.I. millions over the past year-and-a-half, still denies responsibility for the I.T. break-in and fire.
