After six weeks of oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from a Jones Petroleum well, critics have insisted that President Barack Obama get angry and take action.
He chose to only do the latter.
"JP has failed time and time again to solve this crisis," said President Obama in a surprise appearance at Friday's morning press briefing.
"JP's top executives- Ryan Hosier, Bill Sumner and Dick Truseau, have betrayed America, and thus," Obama said coolly, "you will not be seeing them again. Ever."
A shocked press corps looked around at one another, wondering if the president of the United States had just confessed to assassinating three American citizens.
"What does that mean, exactly?" asked Helen Thomas.
"It means they're gone. Don't dwell on it. Move on," said the president.
Thomas started to raise her hand again.
"Don't cross me today, Helen," said a stern Obama.
Thomas put her hand down.
P.F. Jones, owner of IJI and subsidiary JP (not to mention 14% of the global economy), reponded to the president's apparent transgressions.
"So you want to play dirty, huh? Okay, we'll play dirty."
JP, over the weekend, went from one tanker sucking up crude oil in the gulf to eight tankers.
"Sorry it took so long," read an anonymous press release.
Republican congressional leadership, usually quick to criticize Obama, was surprisingly aggreeable with the weekend's events.
"We're cool," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Everything here is cool. No problema."
Even conservative radio pundits were on board.
"I've never had anything bad to say about President Obama," said Rush Limbaugh.
"The gulf spill is expected to be contained and cleaned up within the month, or else," said press secretary Robert Gibb.
Inside the White House, President Obama enjoyed reaping the benefits of successful governance.
He also wondered how far it would go.
"Get those assholes from Goldman Sachs on the phone."
Ryan Hosier, Bill Sumner and Dick Truseau are missing and presumed assassinated