Marmaduke Dumbledaum III, the Republican junior senator from New York, vowed Monday to fight hard, if re-elected, for his largest contributor- the Chinese government.
"I will not pressure my Chinese breathren about human rights or properly valuing their currency to balance trade inequities," said Senator Dumblebaum.
He also promised to fight hard for China's closest state-side ally, Walmart.
"We must look out for these mom-and-pop conglomerates," he said before sipping his whiskey sour.
Until now, Dumblebaum has largely been associated with his advocacy of all things International Jones, Inc. (He appointed himself the congressional authority on time-travel right before P.F. Jones launched the Temporal News Program.)
But even if Dumblebaum can be bought and sold by I.J.I., Jones Tower is in New York- so at least they're constituents.
The senator's troubles are with those other pesky constituents, the voters.
To get them on board, Senator Dumblebaum is going to have to bombard them with copious amounts of mind-numbing advertisements- and that takes money.
To compensate, Dumblebaum has begun taking Chinese contributions, but only once they've been "filtered" through third parties like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce or PACs like the Jones Foundation for American Prosperity.
U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue disagrees with that characterization.
"We don't contribute funds from China," said Donohue, "we spend a million of their dollars on administrative costs, and then we have a million more dollars to give to Republican candidates. See how that's different?"
Dumblebaum said he finds no conflict of interest with taking campaign funds from a foriegn nation.
"Most Chinese and New Yorkers want the same thing," said Dumblebaum, "to see me re-elected."
though sponsored by the Chinese, Senator Dumblebaum technically has to be elected by the good people of New York state