Excerpt from
Debate Turns Into Drunken Debacle
with a Time Machine"
Post Atlanta Reporter
Correspondent in Time
The second Democratic Presidential Primary Debate turned ugly Tuesday night as all nine candidates appeared to be intoxicated.
"It was a nightmare," said the moderator, DNN's Selena B. Kim. "They were worse than guests on Jerry Springer."
Shortly after the event started, the candidates began arguing and soon turned violent.
"All I remember is Hilary arguing with Dennis Kucinich over war authorization," said Joe Biden, "then she jumped him and bit off his ear. I blacked out after that."
Bill Richardson and Chris Dodd started leg-wrestling on stage.
John Edwards spent most of the time flirting with Selena B. Kim.
Senator Barack Obama said nothing for the better part of the first hour, then just nodded and kept repeating the word "heavy."
Many of the candidates appeared to be hallucinating.
"I saw a pretty ship," said Kucinich as he applied pressure to his bleeding head. "It flew away!"
"I seen it! "shouted John Edwards.
D.N.C. Chair Howard Dean has suggested that the debate was sabotaged by G.O.P.
"It was the Republicans!" shouted Chris Dodd. "The Republicans sterilized my cat, Mittens."
"I seen it!" echoed Edwards.
One example that should be fresh in your memory is that crazy primary debate the Democrats had.
You may have thought they were drunk, but the truth is that I put GHB in all of the candidates’ water glasses right before the live broadcast.
Have you ever learned as much about presidential candidates in a debate as you did that night?
I thought the way Mike Gravel laughed nervously for 90 straight minutes was particularly revealing.
I also liked when Joe Biden took his shirt off and started doing a Chipendales dance for the live audience.
Barack Obama was the only candidate who handled his high.
Was anyone really surprised?
Oh, and you really shouldn’t be mad at Hilary- she’s telling the truth when she says she doesn’t remember any of it.
I watched most of it from the rafters in a blindspot cloak (more proprietary swag from Integrated Technologies) until Kucinich somehow saw me and started pointing.
I got to Time Ship 1 and flew away before the Secret Service came around.
I hate the Secret Service.
