Millenia-Old Conflict
Nearing an End

Is P.F. Jones?  

by Henry Ubanks
Post Washington Reporter
April 13, 2008

Many pundits and voters say the 2008 Presidential Primary Election feels like it's been going on forever.
They're more right than they know.
A recently-leaked memo revealed that the U.S. Congress is the last refuge for clans of Vampires and Lycans, or werewolves, that have been feuding for thousands of years.
Inside sources say that bloodfeud could now be near an end.
"I'm getting stronger every day!" the pressumptive Republican candidate Senator John McCain proclaimed at his last rally.
Sadly, the Arizona senator, whose constituents just recently learned of his vampiric ancestry, wasn't talking about the polls.
"McCain is looking better than ever," said a RNC senior staffer who agreed to speak under annonimity, "but that's just because he's been feeding on interns."
In the past month, 11 interns on the campaign staff have gone missing.
"He's been sucking the blood of every kid who brings him a memo," said the senior staffer.
Teenage congressional pages, whose virgin blood is particularly coveted, aren't even being counted anymore.
Over in the Lycan camp, two rival Houses are threatening to kill each other off before McCain's Army of Vampires can get the chance.
The House of Clinton has been saying in private chambers that Barack Obama is too weak to stand up to McCain's army, and many Lycans are listening.
"Can't you see," Obama said addressing the Lycan Council, "she's made a deal to hand us over to the Vampires. They'll slaughter us and further enslave the Humans."
Many on the council agree with this view, though most said publicly that it was "elitist hogwash."
In the White House, President George W. Bush has been assured by McCain that his bloodline will not be exterminated so long as he "doesn't cause any problems."
The Lycan camp has made Bush no such promise.
Meanwhile, most voters and media outlets can only stand by and await their fate.
"Well, the pundits have been saying that Washington's out of touch with the American public for years," said MSNBC's Dan Abrams. "They're really out of touch with the Human experience. I mean, we're their food, for God's sake. Why do we let them lead us?"
In the immediate future, the Lycans are gearing up for battles in Pennsylvania, Indiana and North Carolina, where voters will help decide if the American public will be eaten alive or just have all of their veins sucked dry.



John McCain
Shell Davis
Army of Truth

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