Certain Senator Hoping No One Looks in His Basement Before Tuesday


  dfby Philip Waters
October 31, 2014


A member of the United States Senate is sure that everything will be fine so long as no one looks in his basement before Tuesday.
The senator is confident that he'll win re-election, after which he'll continue to feel untouchacle.
"But if they look down there before then, I'm fucked."
The senator refused to go into detail about the exact contents of his basement, or how their revelation would spell his doom.
"But it's really horrible," he admitted. "I'd just rather not talk about it."
The senator said he'd figure "a way out of this whole thing" with a little time and party resources.
"I could ride this out if I'm in office," he said. "I might even be able to fix it all by slipping certain language into an upcoming bill."
He wanted to win the election anyway, but admits losing is no longer the worst-case scenario.
"Without all those reporters' scrutinizing my every move, I might be able to get away with this."
Regardless, he really wants people to stay away from his house in general, and the basement in particular, until after next week.
"Come on, Tuesday!"



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