Post Reporter
Foils Bank
Robbery

by Lindsey Quinn
Post Manhattan Reporter
January 10, 2009
Police stopped a bank robbery in progress Wednesday after being tipped off by a Post Manhattan reporter.
"We should have been too late," said Seargent Ross Jefferson, "but we got there just as the robbery started."
Post reporter Colleen Yang has a simple explination for that: "I saw it in a vision."
Yang claims to have seen the crime in a psychic prediction while doing laundry that morning.
"I've been having visions for weeks, ever since I came out of that coma."
Yang spent two weeks in a coma after being assaulted while shopping on Black Friday.
"I've been predicting train delays, football scores and my mom's car accident. Oh, and I've been kicking ass at Jeopardy."
Police were naturally skeptical of Yang's explination.
"We questioned her as a possible accomplice," said Jefferson. "but Ms. Yang has no apparent connection to the suspects."
Four men, Harry Carter, 24, Cecil Chavez, 20, Dom Basil, 23, and Shawn Cutler, 23, were arrested for the crime.
The suspects make up the band "Satan's Tampon," which plays regularly in Newark and Soho.

Is P.F. Jones?
It's Going to Be a
Tough Year, Kids
My Boyfriend
Is a Total Dick

 
by Vinnie Giovani
Crime Boss
January 10, 2009
by Cindy Stopher
Post Manhattan Reporter
January 10, 2009

I hope you kids had a good Christmas, 'cuz it's gonna be a shitty New Year.
The Our Lady of White Harlem charity group is out of money.
That's right- we're broke.
That means the soup kitchen on 115th won't be opening any time again soon.
And that school breakfast program is cancelled.
Hope you didn't need to concentrate during that math test, kid.
It's true that economic hardships have caused people to curtail their charitable donations, but that's not our problem.
You can all thank a bitchy little slacker named Shawn for the shutdown of Our Lady.
I made the mistake of trusting him with a very important business transaction.
Never send a boy to do a man's job.
Business is war, and there are winners and losers.
Not everyone is gonna be happy.
But sometimes you've gotta be bad to do good.
You've got to rob Peter to pay Paul.
Know what I mean?
No, you don't have a fucking clue.
Nevermind.
If you see Shawn, tell him not to show his face in White Harlem again.

I am so through with my deadbeat boyfriend.
Last night he stood me up for the last time.
I have put up with Shawn's shit for over seven months and I'm just now realizing how not worth it he is.
Every time I want to hang out he's too busy practicing with his stupid band.
Then he comes home drunk to me because I was stupid enough to let him move in with me after he got fired from the deli.
He likes to talk about what it's going to be like when they're rich and famous.
He gets so excited that I go along with it, but the truth is they suck.
I wouldn't be physically able to stand through one more of their obnoxiously loud sets in a Jersey dive bar, with Dom screaming his refrains and mumbling through verses.
No one's ever going to buy an album from a band with "tampon" in the name.
Shawn's been promising something big lately.
I've been stupidly hoping he was going to propose.
I'd be lucky if he paid me back the
 
money he owed me.
So, attention, mature successful, professional men of Manhattan:
Cindy Stopher is back on the market.

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