President Barack Obama shocked the nation Tuesday upon revealing his restructuring plan for the American auto industry.
"I'm taking over Ford," said President Obama, "personally."
Obama was excited to introduce Ford's new line-up, including the 2010 Obamanator.
"It'll be the smoothest ride you've ever had," said Obama.
While he promised to keep Ford and Lincoln plants producing cars, changes are expected as the Mercury line is cut.
"Mercury factories will now manufactuer wind mill turbines," Press Secretary Robert Gibb later explained.
General Motors will undergo an "expedited bankruptcy restructuring" that will include abandoning the manufacture of Saturns for solar panels and Oldsmobiles for tofu cakes.
"We haven't worked out all the numbers on that yet," said Gibb.
Chrysler, which was deemed unviable as a stand-alone company, was ordered to merge with the struggling Starbucks Corporation.
"We'll have coffee drive-thrus at the dealerships and test-drives at the coffee shops," said an enthusiastic President Obama.
Gerry Reynolds, a Flint, Michigan resident, was one of the first to patronize the flagship Chrysler-Starbucks.
"It was great," said Reynolds. "I got to spill a Venti Iced Mocha in a PT Cruiser."
White House officials are saying that they're confident the new measures will work- for the most part.
"It's either this or a public-works project," said Gibb. "Who wants a thousand-foot monument of Obama shaking Roosevelt's hand? Anyone?"