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by Jim Stanton
Post Los Angeles
June 7, 2009
Is P.F. Jones?

Apple introduced its new iPhone 3G S at the Worldwide Developers Conference in San Francisco Monday, only to be outshined by a new line of applications from Intregrated Technologies for all iPhone users.
Here are a few of the more popular apps:

Slutometer-biometric readings will tell you a girl's pheromone, insecurity and daddy-issue levels.
Digital BeerGoggles-how many pints will it take? Snap her picture and find out.
Lockpick Ray-just like when K.I.T.T. would do it for Michael Knight, so long as he pointed the watch at the doorknob first.
Chloroform "Call"-it's for YOU. See you in six hours.
Accout Roulette-put 5 friends' credit card numbers in it, shake and see who pays for dinner.
Account Roulette PLUS-lets you keep the friends' card numbers.
DrugMate- turns your touchscreen into a mirrored digital scale.
Prostate Massager-vibrates for 2 minutes.
Clit Massager-vibrates for 2 hours.
Bullshit Meter-audio stress levels tell you when someone's full of it.
Morning After Ray-why bother with the pill? Just point the phone at her for 10 seconds.
DoucheJammer-emits a frequency that incapacitates cops, supervisors and landlords.
Stalker Pro-don't wing it, stalk like the pros do! While others Google, you can be finding out what reform school she attended.
SlaveTrade ValuGuide-how much can you get for that Mexican baby? Is that Siberian mail-order bride worth the rubles? Never get screwed while trafficking your fellow human beings again.
Murder by Numbers-need to poison a coworker? Ready to make that hobo disappear from your block for good? Follow a variety of simple plans to do the dirty deed the right way.

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