Collision of American Airlines', US Airways' Frequent
Flyer Miles Causes Temporal Rift at O'hare Airport

A Word on 'Temporal Rifts'

  by Dick Daley
Post Chicago Reporter
March 23, 2013
  by Chrone Osphere
Temporal Correspondent

Okay, I've been scanning through several years of the Post and I feel I need to clarify something-
You know any story about a temporal vortex is me, right?
Likewise any space-time portal, spacial aperature or hole in subspace- it's ALL ME.
I'm the only one tooling around in a time machine (other than P.F. Jones, but he covers his tracks better).
I opened the "portal to Hell" in Pyongyang in 2006.
I created the "doorway to another universe" that brought a murderous Easter Bunny to that mall in Ohio.
I parted the Red Sea with my magnetic containment beam, dammit!
This article makes no sense- frequent flyer miles collided? Are they high?
Is anyone checking this reporter's facts or his urine, for that matter?
This wasn't anything like that.
I just wanted to buzz by some pilots and shit went sour.
Sorry about those people.
I could tell you where they went, but...
You don't want to know.
Trust me.
So... just wanted to clear that up.
That was all.
Good day.

Twenty-three people are missing and pressumed dead after entering some kind of space-time portal that severed Concourse C of Terminal 1 at O'hare International Airport Friday night.
"The entire concourse turned into this hole to... nowhere," said TSA agent Melinda Richardson. "Anyone close got sucked in."
Federal investigators are at a loss to explain the occurrance.
"We're not actually going to go near that thing," said FBI Special Agent Dick Garrison.
Several agents did enter Concourse C from the far side of the temporal rift found even more mystery.
"Everything was fine, except that it was 1959," said Garrison. "No one was paying any attention to the portal, they just went about their business. We spent a couple hours drinking in the Pan Am Lounge, then headed back."
Experts from Jones Research Institute, hired by O'hare, came to their own conclusion.
"The portal is the result of the recent merger of American Airlines and US Airways," said a report released by JRI Friday night.
"The collision of their frequent flyer miles tore a hole in the Chronosphere™. The airlines are liable for this incident. O'hare International Airport should be cleared of all responsibility."
NOTE: Jones Research Institute is a Post sister-company (and does not specialize in missing persons or particle physics), as is Air Jones, a competitor of the related airlines.

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