gaz
SCRANTON
SLASHER
VOWS TO SLASH
SCRANTON
STRANGLER

& Slashes Strangler's Escape Stranglees

reader's letter :
GO FUCK
YOURSELF,
SLASHER

A Word from
Your Editor
on the Decision
to Print a Killer's
Correspondence

tim

by Tim Zachery
Morning Star Gazette Reporter
  lampiniby The
Scranton
Strangler
by Thoroughgood
Killjoy

Editor in Chief


The Scranton Slasher is on a killing spree, and he's targeting the Strangler's escaped victims and, ulitimately, the Strangler himself.
In a letter sent to the Scranton police, Gazette and Herald, the Slasher explained his bloodiest week yet.
"I'll be killing someone different each day of the week," the Strangler wrote. "The first six days I'll kill six people the Strangler let slip through his pathetic little fingers."
The first Strangler/Slasher victim, Maureen Parker, was found Monday.
"Maureen had been so full of life since the strangling," said Rose Dixon, Maureen's roommate. "She said it was life-affirming. Now she's dead."
Neil Porter, another would-be stranglee, was found stabbed to death the next day.
Scranton police revealed that the victims were found with letters taunting the Scranton Strangler.
"A job worth doing is a job worth finishing." read the note attatched to Porter.
"This is how a real man kills." read Parker's note.
Wednesday's victim, Gertrude Reynolds, was stabbed to death despite being armed and not being previously identified as a Stranglee.
"Gertrude had her own sword stuck in her chest," said Police Chief Wally Founder, "with a note that read, 'You botched this one so bad they didn't even know it was you.'"
"On the seventh day," the Strangler wrote in his letter, "rather than resting, I'm going to put the so-called Strangler out of his misery."
The Slasher claims to have known the medoicre killer's identity for some time.
"It's soooooo obvious. I can't believe you never nabbed him. Scranton deserves a higher caliber killer than this guy."
The Slasher has taken offense at comparisons of the two serial killers.
"I am a god that makes this town quake with fear. The Strangler can't kill two people in a row."
Scranton police have urged the Strangler to come in for his own protection.
"Sure you'll have to answer for your crimes," said Chief Founder, "but at least you'll have your day in court. The Slasher's coming for you and, let's face it, you can't defend yourself."
m

 

Hey, Slasher- GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Who the hell do You think You are?
You think you're going to hurt Me?
In my town?
I DON'T THINK SO!
I think your moderate success has gone to your head.
Remember who was terrorizing Scranton first.
I AM THE MASTER.
YOU ARE THE PUNK-ASS WANNABE COPYCAT APPRENTICE!
You can't steal this pebble from the master's hand, apprentice.
Do You really want to fuck with the MASTER?
BRING IT ON!
I will ring your scrawny neck.
Come armed- I don't care.
I've been working out.
And I'm sick and tired of You screwing up the one good thing in my life.
You couldn't do your little stabby-stab routine in Pittsburgh or Philidelphia, could You?
No- a big city wouldn't give a brat like You the attention You yearn for, would it?
You're a big fish in a small pond, but you're still not the biggest.
You'll never be at the top of this food chain.
But if you want to try- go for it.
Let's end this thing.
You know what?
I'm not even going to strangle You.
I'm going to kill You in some other fashion, one which allows me to collect that $100,000 reward.
Then I'll be rich, loved by my fellow Scrantonians, and free to strangle whomever I want-
all whilest dancing on your grave.
You say You know Me-
Come and get Me.
LET'S DANCE, BITCH.
m

  We know it's controversial to print letters written by serial killers.
In such a situation, it's always difficult to weigh the public's right to know with the possiblity that printing a killer's words could encourage him.
When pondering such a conundrum, an editor's decision is made easier by a third factor: newspaper sales.
The newspaper industry is dying faster than either of these guy's victims.
And with the Herald in town, which is willing to print anything, I've got to be willing to do whatever I can to sell Gazettes.
And let me tell you- the Slasher sells!
The Strangler, not so much- but he doesn't hurt.
You sick little Scrantonians can't get enough of the carnage.
Like they say, If it bleeds it leads- and they weren't kidding!
We sell a triple-printing every time someone dies.
And if we do a photo spread-
Cha-Ching!
So, while we hope all of our readers remain safe, we also hope the Slasher and Strangler continue to do their thing.
You guys should visit the Herald.
m
 
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