Dear Gazette Readers:
We at the Gazette are not a Satanic cult.
Not even a little.
Henry Preston, a Presbyterian, founded the Morning Star Gazette in 1798.
While we're not exactly sure where the newspaper got its name, the term "morning star" is not meant as a reference to Satan, as reported by the Herald.
To be fair, both Jesus Christ and Satan have been refered to as the "morning star."
If Preston was going with a Christian theme, I think he'd root for the winner.
After all, you don't go to a Harlem Globetrotters game to support the Washington Generals.
Or perhaps Preston was refering to the planet Venus, also called "the morning star" for its visibility at dawn.
Either one of those explanations makes more sense than worshipping Satan.
Contrary to Herald reports, Preston left his estate to his family when he died in 1817, not the First Church of the Dark Underlord.
We repaved our back parking lot last summer because the City of Scranton required it, not to cover up a mass grave of sacrificed virgins.
We do not print our Sunday editions with the blood of Christian babies, or infants of any faith, for that matter.
Are we clear? Oh, and-
QUIT BELIEVING THE HERALD'S LIES!
AND QUIT BUYING THEIR NEWSPAPERS!