Is P.F. Jones?

Was the
Cure for
Cancer Lost
to Frat Paint?

This camera pic, taken by Professor Bittenger, is the only evidence of the cure

This is what was there when he returned.

by Steve Floyd
Post Kent Reporter
November 20, 2009

The cure for cancer may have been discovered in Kent Saturday night, only to be lost a short time later.
"I was coming from a wine tasting at Professors," said Hal Bittenger, an oncologist who teaches pathology at Kent State University, "when I turned and saw the formula on the rock."
The "rock" Bittenger was refering to sits on the East Main Street side of the KSU campus and is infamous for the frequency with which fraternities paint their Greek letters on it.
"It was so simple, so elegant," said Bittenger of the formula he saw, "I knew it would prevent or cure cancer cells from ever attacking humans again."
In his haste to get other witnesses, Bittenger returned downtown to find his colleagues.
"When I came back it was gone," said a teary Bittenger. "Phi Theta Kappa had painted over it. Those frat assholes couldn't leave it alone for one hour!"
"Fraternities used to paint the rock every day," said KSU President Lester Lefton, "now they do it every few hours. But it's better than burning couches."
Bittenger had had the foresight to snap some camera pictures of the rock, but due to darkness and curvature, got less than half of the formula.
"I've tried to fill in the blanks, but my memory was clouded with merlot." said Bittenger.
Bittenger paid an art expert, Nick Holden, to come x-ray the rock.
"He couldn't make out the formula since it was painted over 30 times since I called him," said Bittenger.
X-rays did reveal that the rock's original diameter was only two feet wide.
"The rest is forty years of paint," said Holden.
Bittenger, in the meantime, is out four thousand dollars and is widely considered a fraud in the health-care community.
"Fuck Phi Theta Kappa," said Bittenger.

Is this part of the formula that could end peoples' suffering? We'll never know.


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