Science Center Experiment
'Zaps' Clothes Off 50 People
CREED Rock Hall Concert
'Ruined' by Streaker
Man Robbed of Clothes
by Browns Stadium

by Hack Dawson
ABS Investigative Reporter

by Daniel Randolph
Post Cleveland Reporter

shell by Cynthia Figgler
Post Cleveland Reporter

Dozens of guests to the Great Lakes Science Center and Museum lost some or all of their clothing during an experimental demonstration Saturday afternoon.
The "Cold Plasma Aggitator," originally developed out of weapons research from Integrated Technologies, an IJI subsidiary, was supposed to dry-clean the clothes of everyone in attendence without them having to be removed.
Instead, the device vaporized all cotton fabric in the room.
Visitors with synthetic-fibered clothing fared better.
"It was incredible," said Sandra Watson, who was there with her parents. "They turned the thing on and it zapped the clothes off half the people, and most of them were guys."
"I've never been so happy my dad was wearing slacks."
The dozens of affected visitors reacted with varying degrees of shock, embarrassment- and then amusement.
"Most people were laughing by the end of it," said Watson. "Except for those two guys who flipped out, but I think they were on acid or something."
Witnesses confirmed that two men who lost their clothes had outbursts and ran out of the Science Center in opposite directions.
The rest of the stripped visitors were given museum uniforms and lifetime memberships in hopes of avoiding a class-action lawsuit.




A nationally-televised reunion performance by CREED was interrupted by a naked man who ran through the crowd and onto the stage Saturday afternoon.
"It was horrible," said lead singer and failed solo artist Scott Stapp. "This nude guy ran through and totally ruined the vibe."
Not everyone at the concert shared Stapp's opinion of the "horrible" diversion.
"The naked guy was AWESOME!" said Julie Chapman, a 19-year-old visiting the city from Easlake for the day. "Otherwise the concert sucked."
"I was afraid he was going to fondle me," said Stapp of the streaker charging the stage. "Then he stole my microphone."
"I think that tool was lip-sinking, anyways," said Chapman.
Jerry Hauser, the producer of "Live Cuts" for ABS, concurred.
"I thought this entire reel was going to end up as B-role for commercial backgrounds," confessed Hauser. "Now we know it'll end up on 'Best Week Ever,' maybe even the 'Daily Show.'"
The streaker, described as a "gangley" white male with brown hair (all over), was never apprehended.
"Don't worry, we're going to catch this guy," said Cleveland detective Jim Davenport. "We don't allow these shennanigans in Cleveland."
"That kind of behavior just isn't dignified," said Stapp, who married his first groupie and became a born-again Christian upon her urging.
"I mean, come on- this is a rock show," said Stapp. "Show some respect."


Cleveland Police are investigating a man who was mugged of his work uniform while leaving Cleveland Browns Stadium Saturday afternoon.
"It was awful," said stadium maintainance worker Willis Reynolds. "He came running at me, all naked, screaming, 'gimme your clothes! gimme your clothes!' with a crazed look in his eyes. I thought he was going to kill me."
Reynolds confessed he was also afraid of sexual assault, but that didn't happen.
"He just took my red jumpsuit and ran away, still screaming," said Reynolds. "He let me keep my underwear. I've never been so scared of a white boy in my life. "
Reynolds says he has yet to see any action from the Cleveland Police Department.
"I didn't even want to tell anybody," said Reynold. "I only filled out a report so my boss doesn't charge me for my uniform. The cops aren't going to do anything."
Reynolds may be right.
"To be honest, it's a low priority," said detective Ralph Collins. "We had a lot of crazy shi- er, stuff happen that afternoon. But make no mistake, when we get to it, we'll catch our man. Cleveland PD doesn't miss a thing."



Van Stolen from 9th
St. Parking Garage

by Charles Figgler
Post Cleveland Reporter

A white van owned by the city was stolen by two men Saturday afternoon from the RTA parking garage on East 9th Street.
"We have about five cars stolen per week (in Cleveland)," said detective Ralph Collins, "and at least a dozen broken into. What was unusual about this case was the manner in which it was stolen- in broad daylight in front of everybody."

Witnesses say the two white males, both about 20, came running into the garage screaming. One was wearing a red jumpsuit and the other was completely naked.
"They both looked whacked out on drugs," said booth attendant Phillis Barber. "The naked one busted the driver's-side window with what looked like a microphone. Then the one in the jumpsuit drove them out,
probably because of the glass on the seat."
Bubba Evers, the city sanitation worker who parked the van in the 9th St. garage, is not facing any consequences for having the vehicle at a non-work-related location.
"What? I went to see CREED at the Rock Hall," said Evers. "It was on my lunch break."

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