LeBron is coming back!
After four years and two titles, the King is coming back to rule from Cleveland.
I couldn't be more relieved-
Not that the best basketball player is back in his hometown, nor that my team is a real contender again.
But now I can move THE 15,000 LeBRON-CAVS T-SHIRTS I MADE IN 2010.
LeBron ruined my life four years ago.
I spent my entire life savings on those shirts!
Instead of buying a house, I had to keep renting half a duplex.
When some nutjob vandalized my Shelby Mustang, I didn't have the money to get it fixed.
Do you know how humiliating it is to drive a muscle car that's been stripped down to the primer?
It's even started rusting, since I haven't been able to park in my garage for four years.
The garage had 500 boxes of shirts stacked to the roof.
Incidentally, some of these shirts are a little musty.
I think there's a leak.
But it's all good- I'm picking up a bottle of FeBreeze on the way home.
If you're interested in a premium LeBron James "Cavs 4 Life" T-shirt, hit me up- just $15, plus $4 shipping if you need it shipped.
As for you, LeBron- welcome home, dick.
Now get us that trophey.