iCloud Fucked Up
My Marriage

The Wicked Shall
Rue the Day!

Who the Fuck Destroyed My Car?

shell

by Cynthia Figgler
Post Cleveland
November 29, 2011
  by Captain Obvious
Cleveland Anarchist
November 29, 2011
by Daniel Randolph
Post Cleveland
posted via iPhone 11-30-11 @
10:08 pm


Really, Apple?
Okay- I take responsibility for my actions.
I shouldn't have been having an extra-marital affair with a coworker.
But to get exposed like this?
I recently updated my iPhone's OS like iTunes kept insisting.
I quickly clicked through the terms of use agreements, including the new part about iCloud.
The idea of wirelessly syncing your iPhone sounds great, doesn't it?
Unfortunately, that means explicit photos you take with another man at a seedy motel pop up on your home computer's iTunes for your husband to find.
I'm sorry, Charles.
I was feeling bored and neglected.
Where do you go all the time?
I know this isn't your fault, I'm the one to blame.
I just wish you were here more often, like right now.
Where did you go when you saw the photos?
And where are my garter belts?

 

Behold, citizens of Cleveland-
There are treacherous elements among us!
Those you thought you knew could be demons spawned from Hell.
And those you thought trustworthy could stab you in the back with a poisoned blade.
But, alas, this is a day of reckoning!
The wicked shall no longer hide behind an athletic build or a late-90s sports car.
Nor shall bawdy harlots' fickle affections go unpunished!
Unmentionables worn under the guise of marital bliss, purchased by an unwttingly loyal groom, shall not be soiled again by such taudry atrocities!
Captain Obvious serves as this city's unblinking eye, sees all, and makes all accountable- even for romantic indiscretions at La Quinta Inn by the airport.
Stray not, spouses of Cleveland- or prepare to suffer the consequences!

 

Who destoyed my fucking Shelby?
What on Earth could I have done to deserve this?
I walked out this morning to find someone had spray-painted, keyed, smashed, dented and shat upon my Shelby Mustang.
I spent the last two years fixing up that car!
Who could do this?
I thought everbody liked me.
Why did they write "HACK" on my hood?
Is this a disgruntled reader?
What about "prone to gramatical errors" on top of the trunk?
Readers don't see those.
Did a copy editor from work do this?
What does "strumpet" even mean?
What did they stuff in the gas tank?
Are those garter belts?
Oh, shit.

REPORTER PROFILES
shell cf dr

 
     
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