op-ed
lampini
Everybody Needs to
CHILL-OUT

Scranton Arms Itself Against
THE SCRANTON SLASHER

tim by Tim Zachery
Morning Star Gazette Reporter

by Robert Lampini
Morning Star Gazette Reporter

Is P.F. Jones?
In the months since the Scranton Slasher began his murderous rampage, local residents have begun arming themselves.
"We've been selling out of pepper spray and tasers," said Russ Garrison, owner of RG Guns on Walter Dr. "Most want a .45 to start with, but scale back when they hear about the background check and waiting period."
And Scrantonians aren't hesitating to use their new toys.
"I saw one creep hiding in the mall vestibule," said Joanna Grice. "He popped out at me and I maced him."
With the Slasher, and technically the Strangler, still at large, even the unarmed are ready for would-be assailants.
"This guy snuck up on me in the parking garage," said Gail Shea, "so I shoved my keys in his eye. I almost felt bad, the way he ran away. But no guy ever reported it, so he must have been a rapist."
Some citizens' vigilence has bordered on vigilantyism.
"I go patrolling at night, like Bufy the Vampire Slayer," said Gertrude Reynolds. "The other day I gave this sexual predator at the bus station a round-house to the head. It was awesome!"
In a Scranton where anyone could be a murderer, citizens are now prepared to defend themselves.
Everyone has gotten way too uptight.
The serial killer situation seems to have cooled down some.
We need to get back to the town we used to be, where people extend one another courtesy and benefit of the doubt.
Here's a tip, ladies- if you're going into the mall, and someone hold's one of those heavy doors open for you- don't pepper-spray him.
Furthermore, sometimes Scrantonians walk up and talk to each other.
Whether it's to say "hello," ask the time or check which level of the parking garage we're on- you don't need to shove your keys in his eye.

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CHARACTER
PROFILE:

The Scranton
Strangler
And if a reporter approaches you to ask why you're casing the bus station with numchucks, maybe you should try talking to him instead of kicking him in the face.
And one last thing-
Enough with the tasers already! Just because they're non-lethal doesn't mean you can tase anyone you want.
Why is everyone freaking out, anyway?
There's only been like one body in the past week, right?
Maybe the Slasher took off like I suggested.
Maybe the Strangler has been trying to turn over a new leaf, but everyone's being such a dick to him that he feels like ringing someone's neck.
So just chill-out, you savages.

 
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