Convicted kidnapper, rapist and aggrevated muderer Ariel Castro descended to Hell Tuesday night, only to find it resembled a twisted, more brutal version of the Ohio correctional facility in which he took his own life.
"What the...?" he asked.
"You're not getting off that easy," Satan replied.
Castro was quickly greeted by the prison's general population of demon inmates, who drug him off to the showers for a welcome party.
Castro was indicted on 977 counts for the three Cleveland women he abducted, imprisoned and repeatedly assaulted over a decade.
"Oh, he'll get to regular Hell, once he's served his sentence here," said Satan.
"I believe the judge gave him life plus 1000 years. He took care of the life. I'll take care of the rest."
Castro spent the first night calling out to God for intervention, but the Creator only shook his head in response.
"That cat turned in his membership card a long time ago," said God.